They Will Know We Are Christians...

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." 1 John 4:16

When I was a young girl, growing up in the Presbyterian church, I learned many traditional hymns. It was the sixties and seventies era, so contemporary Christian music was starting to become more popular, as well. Young people, disillusioned with war, concerned for the earth, and  searching for answers, became what our family called "The Jesus People".

Our farm was about a mile from the county park, where there was a mud bottom lake you could fish or swim in, a small playground and a picnic pavilion.

In the summer, the Jesus People would come to the park and set up their guitar amps and microphones. When we heard them start playing this hippy, Christian music, my parents packed us kids into the station wagon and drove a mile up the road to check out these modern day apostles, singng  "Put your hand in the hand of the man from Galilee..."

I learned that song by heart and love it to this day!

At home, we had a piano in the living room and two hymnals were always on it. Other music might be on top or in the piano bench. The hymnals, however, were displayed right on the front and Mom would sometimes play while Dad and we children sang hymns. We learned to stay on melody to Mom and Dad's harmony. This, too, is music I can still sing and enjoy.

Beyond the music was the message. The one I learned in our Christian home and in Sunday School was that God loves us, Jesus died for us and feels mercy toward us, and if I believed that, then I'd go to heaven someday. Pretty simple ideas, yet later in life, harder to reconcile.

(Palestine started it for me)

Fast forward, and my faith today is a shell of what it once was. That has not been an easy thing to reconcile, that I could lose faith in the God they taught me about, the one they promised would help. 

But, in the end, to believe that "shit happens" and it is often for no apparent reason, is becoming liberating. 

I have a fairly mild concern for what my destiny in the afterlife will be, or if that even exists. 

The events I see unfolding now around the world are chaotic and harmful to others, in many cases. We hear of that "light in the darkness", the story that "restores our faith in humanity". We enjoy the relief that brings from the stress we feel. But, personally, I can't stay there.The chaos still reigns. 

So, I appreciate the lighter, more loving things I find, the wonderful people I meet, and the family and friends who enrich my life. 

However, unless I go off grid in a Ted Kaczynski manner, a complete recluse that has sworn off this world, then I still have choices to make. I still have things to learn and do, and those things are not always peaceful or comfortable on the inside.

As I watch the genocide being committed in Gaza, I think of the sort of Christianity I was taught to be, growing up. Matthew 25 says to do unto the "least of these", is to do it unto Jesus himself.

I think of seeing the Vietnam war protests 

 as a young girl, and I think of the slaughter at Kent State, a symbol of the State against the people.  I remember the "race riots" from that chaotic time, as well. I am seeing division now like nothing that we've seen since "Occupy" and Vietnam. But now, that can get you detained and even deported, as an "anti-Semite". 

Today, as I try to hear what those Jesus People were saying and singing that made me grow to love them, I am perplexed. My confusion is not in what my patched together faith is telling me about right and wrong. No, that is crystal clear in my mind. 

My consternation is with the old hippies who forgot after Vietnam, how to be hippies! The Jesus People need to truly be those people now! 

It would seem that for a few, walking to the garden in a grass skirt and milking a goat is Zen enough to be satisfiying, as they shake  their heads at the rest of us who are squaring off. 

In the end, I think about the Tracy Chapman song "Across the Line" and I think to myself that those Jesus People of old could be as inspirational today as they were back then.

A few of those hippies have stayed or come back out.

 But, it's not nearly enough of them (of US!)...

They are dying off now. A new generation of college protesters are being arrested and shot at today. They dare to oppose genocide in their name, paid for with their money, as they struggle with  student debt. They are angry, and rightly so. Yet, they are vilified for their outspoken views and actions. 

As for me, I am trying to quell that fear of the consequences of speaking out. Recently, I have lost family and friend relationships over my views.

But, I am putting my hand slowly back into the hand of the man from Galilee. I think "he's got me" on this. Jesus once used his righteous anger to clear the temple. Our righteous anger must clear the hatred from our land and from the world!

Black Veil Brides (acoustic) - In The End

https://youtu.be/brhYdmaHBMo?si=7p3LXVH1icXN6qbP

"In the End"  is just one of those songs that speaks to me.

It is asking an important question.

What will I be remembered for and will it be good?

(Thank you to Black Veil Brides for this beauty!)

Do you remember how we used to wonder what we would be when we grew up?

I do. I wanted to be a nurse. My second choice was to be a teacher. My choices were no doubt influenced by typical gender roles in the late 60's and early 70's. But, regardless, I knew I wanted to help someone  else. To support myself by making things better for others was my dream!

When I had to leave a nursing career that provided this level of fulfillment, it was very difficult to "redefine" myself. My generation came with parents who stressed that who you ARE is what you DO! So, I felt rather disconnected from my own identity.

I was physically unable to work, due to health issues and chronic pain. If my work was who I was, then who am I now? 

What do I want my "legacy" to be now? 

Some questions don't have easy answers.

Let me know your thoughts! How do YOU define yourself? What will you leave behind? 

 

My Choice

In August of 2005, my husband and I experienced a completely unplanned pregnancy. It would not have been as frightening had we not already had two children with autistic spectrum disorders. The younger of the two was also mentally retarded and had Tourette Syndrome. The older boy had ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It seemed like we had run the gamut of diagnoses and seen more specialists and therapists than we dreamed even existed.
At  the age of forty-one, my suspicion that I was pregnant again filled me with anxiety. I tried to tell myself that I was simply stressed and my period would surely arrive soon. No amount of worry, however, could account for the swollen breasts and the fact my pants were getting difficult to zip.
With the doctor's confirmation of my condition, I was reduced to tears. I simply looked at him, sucked in my breath and said quietly, "I don't think I can do this." I was on a cocktail of medications for fibromyalgia and depression at the time, some of which were known to cause birth defects. I was just coming off my third trip to the psych unit for the year. My mother was battling cancer and needed me. To top it all off, my marriage was not exactly a bed of roses. Thus, the thought of bringing another child in to this three ring circus seemed impossible and even cruel.
At this point, my doctor gave me a kind smile and said, very calmly, "It's pretty early. You have plenty of time. Go home, think it over, talk to your husband and then you let me know what you want to do." There was no pressure from him one way or the other, no look of shock or judgement. In a small rural community of mostly church going people, I did not expect him to be so understanding. He was a doctor during the week, but the Lutheran choir director every Sunday!
I took a deep breath, wiped the tears from my face and walked to my car for the short drive home. All I could think about was how much I loved babies and how the odds that this one would be normal were horribly stacked against it. My husband and I had discussed all this before my appointment and he had said it was my decision. He would support me either way.
I am not sure exactly when it hit me, nor how many lines on that short stretch of highway went by, but suddenly I knew what I had to do. I was so scared but there was no other option for me. I pulled in the driveway and called my husband to tell him the news. Then, I asked him, "Would you think I was crazy if I said I want to have this baby?"
He sighed but I could sense a smile behind it. He replied,"Yeah, but I've known for years that you were crazy." We both laughed and that was that. Come what may, we were going to have another child. We would love it, normal or not, and face whatever lay down the road, together. 

That was 2006.
Today, in 2010 as I write this, I am watching him play with the neighbor kids. He has tousled blond hair, a bit longer than a boy's should be, and dimples in his full, rosy cheeks. He looks for all the world like his father, except for those big, brown eyes and the long lashes any girl would be jealous of. Those are an inheritance from me. Around that precious mouth, that is constantly either grinning or pouting, lies a face that is rarely clean.
I smile as I watch him run up and down the steep, grassy embankment by our apartment building. Next, he takes a riding toy to the top and careens downhill with stunning showmanship. Shirtless in the late afternoon sun, he is at this moment so carefree it nearly makes me feel jealous. I can see him being a true heart breaker someday.
He is in kindergarten now and all indications are that he is just fine, mentally and emotionally. Each morning when I watch him walking away from me, usually last in line for the school bus, my own heart aches just a little. In my head, I hear that Kenny Chesney song, "There Goes My Life".(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP-Sxfntdb4&ob=av3e. 

The driver swings the door shut and my boy is gone from my sight. As the bus pulls away, I wave goodbye.
I look up at the sky and I say, "Thank you, Allah/God, for giving him to me."
I know when I decided to accept this gift, it was the best choice I had ever made.

Update: 2025

All of this said, I still completely support reproductive choice. After all, when left in charge of our own lives, women usually make good decisions for themselves and their families, no bans or court orders needed! 

I will rejoice on the day that this fact is acknowledged,  and every pregnancy is treated as the unique event that it is. 

I certainly would not have wanted the fate of my pregnancy decided by anyone except my husband and myself.

I am of the strong opinion that no one should subvert a woman's right to choose. 

If I'm capable enough to have a baby, I'm also capable of making my own choices.

And I made a great one all those years ago!

Lady Gaga - Always Remember Us This Way (Lyrics) 🎵

It has been quite a while since I was last here.

The song I am sharing today is a really beautiful Lady Gaga number that until about a month ago, I had never heard. 

I get behind on things. I ask my sons about a song that is new to me and they roll their eyes. It's as though I am supposed to know why a person is named Lady Gaga! I had heard of  her, but had heard very little of her music.

When I came across this one, it struck me how far my husband and I have come over these past ten years or so.

I began "sort of blogging" approximately twelve years ago. There have been rocky roads and steep climbs for us over time. I kept up my writing a little better back then, for sure. I was younger and had way more energy!

Today, not so much. 

I am struggling now with physical and mental health issues that took me by surprise, beginning two years ago. I have even wondered if I might have less time left here than I had thought. That is why the song rings so true. Those words, "The part of me in you will never die", make my eyes well up every time!

That really is okay. When you are feeling something genuinely, deep in your soul, there is nothing wrong in that. What matters is how we deal with our joys and pains. I have to remind myself that there are ways to enjoy life in a less strenuous manner. I can still passionately sing, even if my dance is slowing down.

Another life lesson has been that when the pain and sadness feel overwhelming, I do not have the "right" to take that out on others. If I am indulging in resentment, feeling my own sense of entitlement, or wallowing in misguided self-pity, those things can be simply let go. They do not serve me. They do not serve my family or community. My own hostility in those moments will never make me well.

It is a learning curve for a caretaker, to be the one who needs care. The ego sustains a certain amount of injury if it has been your very identity to care for others. To ask another person for help is especially hard, yet I am confident that my family and I will learn to steer this new course, wherever it leads. I hope it is to the harbor of better health, less pain and more happiness.

That is how I always want to remember us...this way.

 

The Color Purple: God Is Trying To Tell You Something

There are some movies that stay with us for a lifetime and a few songs we never get tired of. For me, "The Color Purple" fills the bill on both!

I saw this movie the first time at the theater, if memory serves. I also recall the great controversy over the scene in which the characters Shug and Celie exchange a hesitant kiss. Yes-two women kiss, full on the mouth! Not only that, but Shug moves Celie's shoulder strap off to one side. Can you imagine the moral outrage expressed by some at that time?! My God-the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons of the world were appalled at this obviously lesbian encounter. 

The real meaning of that scene was lost on these religious folks. Here is Celie, feeling ugly and dumb from years of "Mister" telling her she was nothing more than that. Now, he brings home his lover and expects Celie to care for this drunken tramp! Of course, Shug also tells Celie , "You sho' is ugly!" as she falls down inebriated. 

But, as the film continues, we see Shug and Celie both transformed. Shug finds compassion within her heart that she surely thought was dead, and Celie becomes the strong, confident woman we hoped she would eventually be.

The real turning point for them both is that scene the homophobic zealots railed about. In that moment,  sitting on the bed  where Mister had basically raped her repeatedly throughout their marriage, Celie is finally the recipient of tenderness, love and respect. Shug becomes, in the end, Celie's salvation, even if she hasn't been able to save herself, thus far.

Of course, if you have seen the full movie, you know that Shug's estranged father "sees the light" in this very moving, musical scene. Father and daughter forgive and embrace, as the choir and congregation belt out the rest of the song. "Lord, speak to me" is their plea and a prayer that is answered so positively, it's hard to imagine there were so called "moral" people who were angered by it!

These are my thoughts on a Saturday morning in Iowa. (Interestingly, Iowa legalized gay marriage several years ago. Much to the far Right's dismay, the state did not fall apart and no lesbians took over the place. The zealots would have liked it to be disastrous. It has been nothing of the sort.)

Kindness is right, compassion is good, and  love is of God(whatever you believe that to be). Ms. Celie and Shug show us these virtues in much better form than any holy book or man ever could. 

There is so much to like about this film, but these are the two scenes I really connect with. They are both about true redemption and that's something that can never be wrong!

Souls and Struggles: Jesse Ventura Speaks Out-and So Do I!

Souls and Struggles: Jesse Ventura Speaks Out-and So Do I!: Wow! Such controversy over the National Anthem, the Pledge of Allegience and the NFL! Who would have thought a football player

Jesse Ventura Speaks Out-and So Do I!

Wow! Such controversy over the National Anthem, the Pledge of Allegience and the NFL! Who would have thought a football player's knee could attract so much attention without an injury?

Trump tweets, Pence walks out, and I am left shaking my bewildered head! How is not standing for the National Anthem showing "disrespect" to our soldiers and veterans? The reason behind the protest has nothing to do with war, except the one police have been waging on Native Americans and African Americans. The military Oath of Enlistment talks about defending the Constitution and mentions domestic enemies.


In case there are people who do not realize it, the Oath says "I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God." (Title 10, US Code; Act of 5 May 1960 replacing the wording first adopted in 1789, with amendment effective 5 October 1962). https://www.army.mil/values/oath.html

It does not say "I will stand for the National Anthem". It does not "mandate" patriotism (as Jesse so wisely explains).
If we are more concerned about a NFL player taking a knee for the anthem, than we are about child poverty in America, or homelessness among veterans or the fact that twenty-two veterans every day commit suicide, then we have  misplaced our priorities.
No amount of singing or standing or holding hand over heart is going to negate the fact that indigenous people and people of color have been abused by out of control police and even National Guardsmen. And it certainly will not provide what our veterans desperately need-healing and a new life.
Ask yourself how important is Colin and his knee. Ask, if we respect our veterans, why tens of thousands of them are homeless and twenty-two every day choose to end their misery themselves. Those are the crucial things we need to be concerned about.
The rest is simply rage, gone horribly stupid!