Whisper My Name

Dear God, Allah, Mother/Father...Creator,

WHO ARE YOU??

Why do You call my name?
All my life, as far back as I can remember, You have
been calling me.

It is a whisper...but I hear it. Like a breeze blowing through the tops of the trees... I hear You.

And You frighten me.

Is it the awe? The immensity of You? Why am I afraid? Is it that You are so vast and I am so small?

I have tried and tried to put You in that little box. The Farce of Man Made Religion. Christianity, Islam, the teachings of Buddha, of Gandhi, of who knows whom else and none of them satisfy.
Knowledge does not satisfy. Rules. Laws.

Speak to my heart. Climb inside me.

But, no! NO!!

I ache. I run. I am afraid. I want You passionately, desperately...and I push You away.

I fall to my face, sobbing. I grieve for something I do not understand, a loss I do not fully remember.

I feel broken. My soul is shattered.

Help me...just help me. Do not leave me alone in a silence.

Keep whispering....

Fear...

It's 4 am and I have not slept.
I am scheduled to have a hysterectomy in six days. I had my pre-op physical Thursday, along with an EKG and blood work.
On Friday afternoon, I received an "urgent" message to call the doctor's office. I returned the call, figuring there was a simple scheduling problem, maybe a delay in the date my surgery could be done.
What they told me was not so easy as that. It seems my EKG was irregular, showing an abnormality in one of the chambers of my heart, along with a conduction problem.

I have been trying not to panic. I have been a smoker for nearly 30 years, so it was no surprise about five years ago when I was diagnosed with early stage COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). I had thought my recent increase in shortness of breath was a symptom of that. I was even willing to believe the light headedness was being caused by it. "Time to try to quit smoking-again!" I thought.

Now, I am scheduled to see a cardiologist on Monday. I have the weekend to think about this-or to try to not think about it!
I feel like there are many things I want to tell the people I love, suddenly. However, I do not want to seem morbid or make this in to a drama. Certainly, they do not need that.

I will figure out what to do, I guess. It is just another struggle, that's all.