It has been quite a while since I was last here.
The song I am sharing today is a really beautiful Lady Gaga number that until about a month ago, I had never heard.
I get behind on things. I ask my sons about a song that is new to me and they roll their eyes. It's as though I am supposed to know why a person is named Lady Gaga! I had heard of her, but had heard very little of her music.
When I came across this one, it struck me how far my husband and I have come over these past ten years or so.
I began "sort of blogging" approximately twelve years ago. There have been rocky roads and steep climbs for us over time. I kept up my writing a little better back then, for sure. I was younger and had way more energy!
Today, not so much.
I am struggling now with physical and mental health issues that took me by surprise, beginning two years ago. I have even wondered if I might have less time left here than I had thought. That is why the song rings so true. Those words, "The part of me in you will never die", make my eyes well up every time!
That really is okay. When you are feeling something genuinely, deep in your soul, there is nothing wrong in that. What matters is how we deal with our joys and pains. I have to remind myself that there are ways to enjoy life in a less strenuous manner. I can still passionately sing, even if my dance is slowing down.
Another life lesson has been that when the pain and sadness feel overwhelming, I do not have the "right" to take that out on others. If I am indulging in resentment, feeling my own sense of entitlement, or wallowing in misguided self-pity, those things can be simply let go. They do not serve me. They do not serve my family or community. My own hostility in those moments will never make me well.
It is a learning curve for a caretaker, to be the one who needs care. The ego sustains a certain amount of injury if it has been your very identity to care for others. To ask another person for help is especially hard, yet I am confident that my family and I will learn to steer this new course, wherever it leads. I hope it is to the harbor of better health, less pain and more happiness.
That is how I always want to remember us...this way.
