Taking Up Knitting

Relationships....what a tricky area that is!
Yesterday, I had to read my "life story" for my treatment group and then get some feedback from everyone.
It reads like a horror story-or a daytime soap opera. Drugs, alcohol, insanity, broken relationships-years of it!
The best piece of feedback I got was this: Quit living in the past and get out of your "comfort zone".
You see, my comfort zone is chaos. It is what I know-I know what it looks like and feels like and it does not scare me. It tires me, discourages me, but never scares me. Peace scares me.
What the hell do people do with peace? Sit around and knit??
I realize that any time I have gotten close to peace, I found a way to sabotage it. It is completely foreign and uncomfortable to me.
Maybe that is why the thought of going some place like Gaza does not scare me. I have had people question my sanity in wanting to go there. But why would a war torn area be scary? I've been battling on the inside for many, many years.
It is not that I wouldn't be nervous-but certainly not terrified to go there. I would do it in a heartbeat.
My husband also seems to be someone who takes comfort in chaos. He creates it just as much as I do. Put the two of us together and it is constant war, with only brief ceasefires.
The very sad thing is that our six year old seems to find this normal. Dear God....will he take this in to his relationships some day? Quite possibly, he will.
The time to change this for him is now. I am ready. I am just not sure his father is.
Recovery is not an easy road, by any means, and some relationships do not survive it. I know this. I am afraid of that, in a way. Maybe I am afraid there would finally be peace.
Maybe I need to take up knitting....

Trusting in Something Good

I have been clean and sober nearly four weeks now. This has been no easy task but it is well worth it.
I am still in outpatient treatment and I am going to Twelve Step meetings, as well.
For those not familiar with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) or NA (Narcotics Anonymous), I will explain a bit about the Twelve Steps.
Let's just take the first three for now.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol(or mood altering substances) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

These are from the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. All Twelve Step self-help programs are based on this set of steps.
However, the steps are suggested, never mandated. Well, the fact is that if you really want a solid recovery, you better do the steps! Any drunk or addict in recovery will tell you that!

I've never really had a problem with the first two steps. All I needed to do was look at the insanity in my using life. Maybe one day, I will tell you more of that. I already have a little bit(see my last post).
No, it has always been that third step that hangs me up. I have difficulty trusting that Power. Will it turn out to be a good thing if I let go of my own will? Am I sure I should let someone else run the show?
AA is not a religious program, by any means. No atheist could use it if that were true. Plenty of atheists work these steps just fine. One can rely on the power of the program itself-that alone can be your "Higher Power". AA also does not affiliate itself with any one religion or denomination, so it is all inclusive, for those who do believe in a god or gods.
As for me, I do believe in a god of some sort. I consider myself closer to Muslim than anything else, if you want to talk religion. But, I was raised a Christian. I do not discount all New Age spiritualism. I guess I am an odd bird!
The one thing I am growing to trust is that this Being wants my higher good. I believe God/Allah is positive and loving in nature. I believe "He" wants what is best for me, and to me, that starts with a clear mind, a sober and clean mind.
As for the difficulties, they are varied. I have chronic pain and fatigue, due to fibromyalgia. I have chronic depression that requires medication. I have a personality disorder that complicates my thoughts and emotions. I am fucked up! To keep everything in balance, to sort it all out, seems an overwhelming task at times. There are times-daily-that I want to throw in the towel and say "Screw this!" and just use or drink.
But, for me, this is simply no longer an option if I want to live. I will die if I go back down that road. Scarier still, I will rip like a tornado through the lives of those I love before I ever reach the grave!
No, this thing called recovery is my path now. This god, Allah, is who I must rely on. I have done it my way, by my own will. I mess it up every single time.
So, here I am, Lord. Take me as I am. Relieve me of the bondage of my own self-will. Help me, just for this one day, to trust that You are good, that You want your goodness for me. Help me to be honest with myself and others. Help me to do the "next right thing". Just for today.
Tomorrow, if it be Thy will for me to see it, I'll be back on my knees asking all this again. I'll be trusting in something good.